


Stupid Bitch Host Club [aka Naruto but Furry AU]

by IrisClou



Category: Naruto
Genre: F/F, F/M, M/M, THEYRE FURRIES SO LIKE FELLAS....fellas., everyones gay and shizunes panicking, nonou: OH NO, nonou: WHERES MY SON, raido: hello maam, shizune: HOW DO YOU FUCK UP THAT BAD, shizune: TSUNADE YOU GAVE ME TEN GAY MEN TO SERVICE WOMEN, this is an au so i kept everyone i like alive so like dear god it aint canon, tsunade: NOT MY MONKEYS NOT MY ZOO
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-08
Updated: 2020-05-11
Packaged: 2021-03-02 20:13:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 11,401
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24072751
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IrisClou/pseuds/IrisClou
Summary: fellas im just throwin shit into the pot and seein what stinksTsunade has fucked up. Royally. After some VERY poor decision making during a multi-kage poker game, she has run Konoha's funds into the ground. Jiraiya also managed to send an unedited manuscript (all names intact) of the newest Icha Icha to the Mizukage.In other news, the Godaime needs to make cash, and make a lot of it,fast.What better way to do that than force some of your best shinobi into forming an all male, full service host club? Bitches LOVE host clubs, right?Right.Cue ten men suffering, praying that they do well enough to keep World War V from happening.click for sum gud furry art
Relationships: Gekkou Hayate/Shiranui Genma, Hagane Kotetsu/Kamizuki Izumo, Hatake Kakashi/Umino Iruka, Mitarashi Anko/Shizune, Shizune/Yakushi Kabuto, but seriously tho - Relationship, if im feeling nice to the bastard, kabuto/whoever the fuck im feelin this week, probably a bit of, the guys/fucking anyone who walks in, yakushi kabuto/kamizuki izumo, yakushi nonou/namiashi raido
Comments: 1
Kudos: 14





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> this whole shenangin follows a slightly altered version of this fics universe/plot, so like...yknow...maybe check it out blease  
> https://archiveofourown.org/works/20683634
> 
> these are like 99% rp starters. so theyre GENERALLY in the same vein as one another but if theres inconsistencies, its bc they were written like a week or two apart, so Big Sorry for that. Im posting the chapters in the order they were written.  
> thisll get updated when i feel like it, but mostly i looked at ouran host and was like. 
> 
> Hm
> 
> HMM
> 
> and here we are
> 
> have fun yall
> 
> everyones species btw 
> 
> Carnivores:  
> Obito - Jaguar w/ Vitiligo  
> Shisui - King Cheetah  
> Genma - Orange/White Tabby Cat
> 
> Omnivores:  
> Kakashi - Wolf  
> Kotetsu - Wolfdog  
> Raido - Akita  
> Iruka - Tanuki
> 
> Herbivores:  
> Kabuto - Whitetail/Chital Deer mix [honestly hes just Deer]  
> Izumo - Shetland Sheep mix  
> Hayate - Tan Dutch rabbit Mix
> 
> GORLS
> 
> Tsunade: Lioness  
> Shizune: Mink  
> Anko: Silver Fox  
> Nonou: Thompson's Gazelle/Blackbuck Peryton

FIRST OF ALL

This first image is drawn by the gayest of gays , [my fucking gf rage](https://artsiesfartsies.tumblr.com/)

shes MEAN and hates my ONE problematic fave, kabuto, so i had to draw him myself, after my fuckin pen pressure broke so thanks fam. and nonou. the other guys are comin. hold ur horses

[right click view image to see the whole damn thing on desktop, it Beeg]

im gonna fucikkin marry gai and you CANNOT stop me


	2. It McFuckin Begins

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ugly laughter bye kabuto eat shit

"Kabuto, really. It's not all  _ that  _ bad." 

But the ram's consolation fell on deaf ears. 

The stag stared down at the piece of paper that all of ten minutes ago, he had tried to burn with a pocket lighter. 

"Piece of paper" was the understatement of the century. This was a set of orders. Direct orders. Direct orders from Tsunade. The goddamn  _ Godaime _ . 

And, on a good day, they would have been mission orders. On a better day, ones of certain death. But on the worst possible day, they could not have stooped  _ nearly  _ this low. 

"Look, all you gotta do is just...sit around and look pretty and tell them nice things." Izumo's voice rose, a tense urgency apparent. "It's not  _ hard."  _

"Easy for  _ you _ to say." A dark wolfdog chuffed, cracking a toothy grin at the ultimate misfortune of their stag friend. "You're  _ bred  _ to sit around looking pretty. Antlers here sees a stranger, and it's back to calling him "Glasses." 

Kabuto shot him a dirty look at the joke. He was  _ not  _ about to shed his antlers over a girl he'd never met. 

"I think it's the  _ reason  _ behind this... _ madness _ that disgusts me." A snooty tone snuck into his voice. "Can't the damn Godaime keep her blasted head above water for more than a week?"

"It's either we do as we're ordered, or we've got a multi-continental war on our paws, Antlers." The wolfdog's husky voice lowered into a brief growl. 

"We are  _ literally relying  _ on  _ me  _ to tell some...random, hopeless  _ woman _ that she looks nice and I'd just  _ die  _ to sleep with her…to  _ pay off a war?"  _ Kabuto hissed, fingers curling sharply around the paper, crumpling it. "This is utterly asinine." 

"It's Jiraiya-sama's fault, too, y'know." Izumo piped up, brow upturned in worry. "He's the one who 'accidentally' sent that letter to the Mizukage." 

The stag stared down at the rapidly uncrumpling orders. Just like trying to set fire to it, the sealing jutsu prevented it from being smashed indefinitely. 

With a groan, Kabuto adjusted his glasses after rubbing his eyes for a small eternity. 

"If she'd appealed to my nature, she could have lied and told me it was to fund the orphanage. I'd  _ happily  _ have signed up for that." He sighed, ear flicking irritably. "She's got about as much tact as Jiraiya when it comes to things like this." 

"Better to be blunt than beat around the bush." Kotetsu, the wolfdog shrugged. "Besides, as much as you hate women, it won't  _ kill _ you.' 

Kabuto snorted indignantly, ears flattening slightly. 

" _ Hate  _ is a very strong word." He scoffed. "I've just had the displeasure of working alongside many women who should have stayed home to be wives, not medics." The spotted stag blinked, blowing softly. "However, I have also met women who have ultimately bettered the entire field, and that I respect unconditionally." 

"You're bitter because Shizune rejected you, just say it." Kotetsu sneered, leaning in to prod a finger into the deer's chest. 

Kabuto puffed up, snorting again, and shaking out his ears in defiance. 

"Quit acting the fool. There was no rejection, let alone  _ advancing."  _

"You're pouting." The wolfdog raised a brow, fang glinting from a knowing smirk. "You pout when you're wrong. And when I'm right."

"Great God, Kotetsu, be quiet!" Kabuto snapped back, tensing. 

He quickly noticed Izumo growing despondent, and immediately backed off. 

"It doesn't matter. It's my duty as a shinobi to follow the Hokage's orders to the death." The deer sighed, to which Izumo piped up again, softer this time. 

"The orphanage will get funding if we make enough money through this. Just...think about that!" He wanted to be as optimistic as possible for his childhood friend. 

The plea worked, and Kabuto's rigid expression softened considerably. 

"You're right." 

_ Mostly, I'm doing it to make  _ you  _ happy.  _ He thought to himself. 

"I usually am." Izumo flashed a sweet smile, nose twitching jubilantly. 

Kotetsu chuffed again, cuffing Kabuto's shoulder good-naturedly.

"Just don't step on any toes, Antlers." 

\--

"Alright, so, I just have to go to an orientation? And then they stick me in a room for a fortnight?" 

Izumo nodded fervently. 

"Yeah! It's really simple, honestly." 

"They just read you the riot act and then it's off you go." Kotetsu added, pointing with a claw at the fine print on the paper. 

"Wait a minute." Kabuto, whose fears had been eased moments earlier, felt his heart stop. "What's this clause about…"

"Sex?" Kotetsu said flatly. "Yeah, if they pay a stupid amount, you're expected to have sex with them." 

Kabuto felt ice shoot through his veins. 

"And killing myself would be considered treason, correct?" 

Izumo let out a whine. 

"Sure would, bucko." Kotetsu laughed gleefully. 

_ "Fuck."  _ He hissed, feeling all energy, let alone the will to  _ live  _ drain from him. 

"Well, you're supposed to use shadow clones, technically, so they can't get pregnant." Izumo once again did his best to reassure his friend. 

"That doesn't change the fact I have to be  _ conscious  _ during the act." Kabuto spat, lip curling. Sharing one's body was a  _ sacred  _ act. One he had reserved for one person on this godforsaken planet. Not someone who  _ paid  _ him enough to bail out the Godaime. 

"Well, if you act like a  _ jerk _ , no one's gonna wanna fuck you anyway, Antlers." Kotetsu pointed out. 

"But the more money we make, the faster it's  _ over.  _ And…" The stag blinked, shoulders falling, a pensive look on his face, "If we make  _ extra,  _ the orphanage could be funded for another wing." 

Izumo blinked up at him hopefully. 

Kabuto hummed a relenting sigh. 

"I'll be fine. I shouldn't have...acted out like that." He murmured, looking a bit abashed. "It could be a lot worse, it really could." 

"The clause doesn't say anything about not being able to use genjutsu for...that kinda stuff." Izumo said softly. 

The stag smiled warmly. 

"It's alright. I'll get over myself in a day or two. If I've got to do something ridiculous, but harmless to prevent a war, and to get those kids what they need…" 

Kotetsu snorted loudly, before bursting into laughter. Kabuto leered at him. 

"You sound like a  _ martyr!"  _ He guffawed, much to the deer's disdain. "You just gotta flirt with some chicks and maybe fuck one or two! Not get _crucified!"_

Kabuto blew hotly, pawing once. 

"Enough. I'll do my best, so that means  _ you _ ought to behave yourself as  _ well _ ,  _ Kotetsu."  _

The wolfdog grinned toothily. 

"You  _ bet  _ I will, Antlers." 

\---

~~[we were originally gonna crackship raido and kabuto but lets see how that goes fellas]~~

Kabuto cautiously entered the meeting room, blinking dark eyes at someone  _ entirely _ unexpected. 

_ Raido Namiashi?  _ Why on  _ earth  _ was  _ he  _ here? This man was a jonin  _ elite. _ Up there with Genma and Hayate, if not Kakashi. He'd been assigned as the Sandaime's  _ personal guard  _ and  _ assassin.  _

The stag whuffed to himself. He may have been the head of the Konohagakure medical corps, but being reduced to this from  _ Raido's  _ position must have been infinitely more humiliating. 

He watched with bespectacled curiosity as the ruddy Akita stood stiffly beside five other men. 

Shiranui Genma, an orange tabby cat with a senbon ever present between his fangs; Gekkou Hayate, the tom's partner and a harlequin rabbit with dark rings under his eyes; Hatake Kakashi, a silvery white wolf with his hitai-ate slung over his left eye; and alarmingly enough, beside him stood a panther with vitiligo: Uchiha Obito, the redeemed war criminal. But, most surprising of them all, was mild-mannered Umino Iruka, the tanuki school teacher and Naruto's first Sensei. 

Kabuto was beginning to  _ not  _ feel as out of place as he had before. He narrowed his eyes and analyzed the group. Raido, the strong, silent type. Genma the smarmy playboy. Hayate, the gentle and boyishly-shy type. Kakashi, the mysterious type. Obito, the tragic backstory type. And Iruka? The onii-san type. Had to be.

So what was  _ he?  _ The cold and calculating type? The intellectual? The antisocial-- 

The stag was struck from his musings from a curt shuffling of fabric as everyone in the room stood at attention. He instantly did the same, dark eyes following a beautiful, cream colored lioness as she took the floor. 

\--

Once the rules had been stated, and the papers signed, the males were dispersed. 

"Is Gai going to be a part of this?" Obito rasped a laugh, to which Kakashi rolled his eyes. 

"Lady Tsunade says she'll  _ consider _ it as a last resort." 

"I think Gai would make a good host." Iruka chimed in, voice pitched up a little, obviously from nerves. "He's...really  _ passionate _ , y'know." 

Kabuto blinked. Dear Lord, the way the tanuki stared at Kakashi...with a thick swallow, he realized it was almost exactly like how Izumo acted around  _ him. _

"Hey, Glasses." Genma meowed pleasantly, waving the stag over to where he and Hayate were standing. "Whatcha think of all this nonsense, eh?" 

"Precisely that." Kabuto flicked an ear, glad to be met with his old friends. Especially Hayate, who gave him a weak smile, long ears folding gracefully back in a shy gesture. "I'll keep further comments to myself, but this...let's just say 'so long as it's for a greater good." 

Genma rumbled a laugh. 

"Whatever float's yer stoat." He glanced up. "Neh, Namiashi! What about you? Didn't expect you here." 

Kabuto made room for the Akita as he padded over. 

\-- 

Soon, the others made their way home, leaving Kabuto and Raido alone on the steps. They both had no one to return home to, and therefore, nothing better to do than watch the night sky. 

"So, what sort of credentials do  _ you _ have for this charade?" The stag's voice was low, but wavery. He'd never spoken to the akita one-on-one before. "I know  _ I  _ certainly can't compare to Shiranui's track record." 

Kabuto sighed, watching his breath fog up the cool late-spring night. 

"I hope they give us  _ some  _ sort of training." He mused quietly. "I'd hate to go into this bare pawed, y'know?" 


	3. The one with Iruka realizing hes in Deep Shit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> pretty much the same thing except with Babie Boy  
> \but with like, actual corrections and S H I Z U N E my WIFE

Iruka felt even more numb after the briefing than he did upon receiving the orders. 

Was this  _ really  _ happening? It seemed more of a weird dream than anything. The tanuki whuffed to himself as the other males dispersed, dark eyes darting around to find Kakashi in the small crowd. 

Hayate and Genma were of course, beside one another, talking softly, though the tomcat appeared entirely chuffed to be in such a strange position. The rabbit looked anxious, long ears pulled back in a tight bundle. He watched as Kabuto, the silver stag, was called over to the pair.  _ He  _ certainly wasn't amused. Iruka could understand why -- he was the head of the medical corps. Getting roped into this couldn't have been his first choice. 

Two big cats were laughing together, and betwixt them stood the white wolf he was looking for. There was a quiet bleating, and Izumo and Kotetsu, followed by a confused looking Raido trotted over to Genma's party. Kotetsu elbowed Kabuto roughly in the side with a loud cackle, only to receive a faceful of antlers. The ram swung his curled horns into the wolfdog's shoulder, snorting loudly. Kotetsu just laughed harder. 

The tanuki blinked, making a second mental count. Izumo, Kotetsu, Kabuto, Genma, Hayate, Raido...Kakashi, Shisui, Obito...and him. Ram, wolfdog, stag, tomcat, rabbit, Akita...wolf, cheetah, jaguar…

A strange group. Mostly carnivores, though it seemed there was an even number between all of them, omnivores, carnivores, and herbivores. Tsunade was obviously covering all her bases when it came to females' preferences. 

Feeling torn between his old classmates and Kakashi, Iruka's nose twitched and a look of worry grew on his face. How...awkward. And he didn't want to seem like he was glomming onto the silver wolf, not with prying eyes. 

Especially not with Obito and Shisui. Both were good natured, especially the later -- Iruka could count on one paw how many times he'd seen the cheetah without a bright grin on his speckled face. Unfortunately, he was also wildly attractive -- exotic almost with that fur, and that fact alone made Iruka unable to get any closer than he was without fear his pounding heart could be heard. 

Cutting his losses, he slunk off to Genma's group, which had gained one more member -- a sleek mink, Shizune. Which, of course, the tomcat was working every charm on. Much to her unamusement, but it was clear she was flustered. Iruka blinked, sensing a change in someone's chakra. He glanced over in the direction, and noticed Kabuto's thick ears pinned back, nostrils flaring slightly. The tanuki frowned. 

Was the stag... _ jealous?  _ He licked his nose mid thought. He was almost certain the buck...wasn't interested in females. But he was also sure Kabuto had worked along Shizune often in the medical field. 

Iruka squirmed internally. Being next to someone you admired for extended periods of time, especially during difficult missions…

His dark eyes flicked over to where Kakashi stood again, ears airplaning. He knew  _ that  _ feeling. The slow, panic inducing realization you were head over hocks for someone. 

"You sure you're not gonna... _ y'know… _ " Genma leaned in, close enough for his whiskers to touch the mink's, "Test us all out?" 

Shizune bristled from head to tail. 

"I...I'm not a... _ p-practice girl!"  _ She hissed, tail whipping angrily. 

Iruka watched as a multitude of things happened all at once. There was a deep growling sound, and Hayate's ears twisted back, eyeing Kabuto, before stomping as hard as he could on Genma's foot. The cat yowled, backing off. He had only been teasing, as was his nature, but apparently the stag was not getting the message, and Hayate literally stepped in to avoid a one sided scene being made between the two. 

"I'm  _ literally  _ only in the building to manage the business and provide customer service." Shizune bore one fang before sighing. "Once...the facility is publicized is when you'll get clients." 

Iruka snuck in closer towards Izumo and Kotetsu, bushy tail brushing their thighs for reassurance. He was still trying to look as small as possible. 

Raido, obviously uncomfortable, spoke up. 

"And what if we've never had to deal with interpersonal... _ relationships _ like this before?" 

The tanuki felt faint with relief. That was  _ exactly  _ what he'd been too afraid to ask. 

"Yeah, and what if you're shit at genjutsu, and can't fool the chick into thinking she had the best lay of her life?" 

Izumo snorted, and let out a bleating laugh.

"Kotetsu, even with  _ Itachi's _ level of genjutsu, nothing short of a miracle would convince  _ any  _ girl she had a good lay with you, let alone  _ get  _ her to agree to one in the first place." 

"I dunno, bro. Still better than skinny sheep dick." The wolfdog cackled. 

He was met with another headbutt, and let out a pained yelp.

Shizune groaned, rubbing her temples. 

"If they pay the premium fee, you  _ have  _ to go through with it. Whether or not it's physical or psychologically...induced." 

Hayate was the next to speak up, a deep blush on his normally sullen cheeks. 

"...and...if we've...never been with a female, how do we get any...well, experience with that?" 

Shizune blinked, fur puffing up. 

"Well, I-I…"

Genma, who had just now finished rubbing his smarting foot, couldn't help but laugh. 

"Tsunade lassoed you into that, didn't she? You  _ are  _ the guinea pig." 

The mink hissed again, ears flattened to her skull. But it wasn't out of anger, it was distress. 

"...alright. Raise your paw if you've  _ never  _ been with a female before. Physically or otherwise." 

Shizune blinked as no one raised their paws. 

" _Guys_. C'mon." 

Tentatively, Raido, Kabuto, and Hayate raised their paws. Iruka did as well. 

Shizune stared, a bit in shock. 

"Shit, seriously?" It took her a minute to snap her jaw shut again. She slowly closed her eyes and sighed softly. "Fine. I'll... _ help _ if you think you need some... _ advice _ , alright? But only  _ once _ , and then you're on your own."

Genma grinned. 

"What if we need a refresher course? What if we forget what tiddies look like?" 

Kotetsu keened like a hyena as the tom dodged a deadly looking punch. 

"You spend the rest of your life licking your own asshole, cat!" Shizune spat, face bright red. 

She wasn't the only flushed complexion. Iruka watched as Kabuto's cheeks lit up scarlet as well. He was quick to catch the tanuki's eye, and hastily turned his head away. 

"What's all this about eating ass? That's not a requirement, is it?" Obito, the black jaguar, padded towards the group, arms crossed. 

Shizune looked ready to give up. This was...a  _ trillion  _ times worse than paperwork. 

"I'm...just...letting...everyone know that...if they need...assistance...with...females...I'm…

obligated to... _ help. _ " 

Obito's eyes widened. 

"Wait, really?" 

Shisui, interest piqued, joined in. 

"That's awful nice of you." The cheetah gave her a heart melting smile. 

Kakashi, not wanting to be left just standing awkwardly in the middle of the room, slunk over to where Iruka stood, sidling up beside him. 

"What if we don't  _ want  _ any females?" He wooed calmly. 

Iruka felt his heart come to a complete stop. 

_ Did...that mean…? _

Shizune blinked. 

"I...uh, well, it's...an unconditional contract. You...don't really have a choice." She gave Kakashi a sympathetic look. "You should be fine though, especially with your sharingan." 

The wolf nodded once with a quiet hum. 

Iruka leaned into him, shivering from anxiety. He wasn't  _ terrible  _ with genjutsu, by any means, but it took  _ serious  _ concentration. How was he supposed to concentrate when he felt like shedding his winter coat from nerves if a girl so much as put her hands up his shirt? A girl he'd  _ never  _ met? 

The mink exhaled softly. 

"You'll all be alright. You're all jonin, at least, most of you are. You've all been trained for infiltration missions. It's all about tact and charm." She paused, wringing her paws. "But seriously, if you think you're about to drop dead from a panic attack if a girl kisses you...then come see me once you've been set up at the hotel." 

Hayate and Iruka exchanged relieved looks. Too bad Iruka had a bit of a crush on Shizune. If tanuki could sweat, he'd be soaked. 

Interestingly enough, Kabuto spoke up, voice unusually husky. 

"Wouldn't it...be more prudent for us to just transform and roleplay procedures with one another?" His large ears flapped once, as if he were a bit hot under the collar. "It seems...unnecessary to put you in such a...vulnerable position." 

Shizune gave him a weak smile, shoulders relaxing. 

"I appreciate the concern, Kabuto, I really do. But a lot of the females who will be coming in are civilians. They...will act  _ much  _ differently than a man pretending to be a woman." She giggled, and the stag's nose burned bright red. "You weren't raised to act, look, or think like the average woman." 

Shizune whuffed. 

"Besides, something tells me that someone like  _ Genma  _ here, would make a  _ terrible  _ substitution for the real thing." A brief pause, before she quickly followed up with, "Though, if you think you need extra help, you can always work out something between yourselves." 

Kabuto blinked, casting his eyes downward. 

"I don't mind it, I really don't." She did her best to sound cheerful. "I think it ought to be fun to see what you all have to offer. Especially because each one of you have your own special "type" you're supposed to emulate." The mink's face scrunched up in a bright smile, whiskers twitching. 

The stag clammed up immediately, and bowed his head slightly, unable to meet her gaze. 

"Not to mention…" Shizune's posture sagged a bit, ears flat. "I  _ have  _ to perform an evaluation on all of you. You'll be seeing me whether you like it or not, before being...set loose." 

Raido looked wildly uncomfortable. Hayate was pinker than a sakura blossom, nose twitching rapidly. Shisui was grinning, and Obito mirrored the look. 

"You'll all be fine. Just do your best, okay?" Shizune forced herself to be perky. "Girls really like passionate guys. Just...y'know, put your heart in it." 

Once she'd answered a few more lower key questions, she dismissed the group. However, Kabuto lingered, taking her aside. Iruka practically clung to Kakashi at this point, not being able to pick up on the quiet conversation between the stag and mink. 

The other males bid each other goodbye, filing out to return home. Iruka and Kakashi were left on the steps, staring up at the starry late-spring sky.

They shared an awkward silence for a few moments before Iruka piped up, voice squeaky with rust. 

"...So...what was... _ your  _ type?" The tanuki glanced briefly over at the wolf. "I was assigned the "sensei" type." He made a strange grumble in the back of his throat. "Not sure how to feel about that." 

Iruka wrung his tail between his paws. 

"I get...that this is...to prevent some sort of catastrophe, but...that makes it more...nerve-wracking. I don't want to mess up and...not do a good enough job." 

He cast a beseeching look on Kakashi. 

"Do...you think I'll do well? I'm...excited, but just as scared. Part of me thinks it'll be fun, to meet new people and to help them with their problems...but…"

Iruka stiffened. 

"Shizune said we may get male clients as well." His voice was shaking. "I...I d-don't know how...t-to handle that." 

The tanuki wrestled futiley with his thoughts. 

Suddenly, he bristled up, and his voice squeaked hoarsely, a bit louder than he meant to. 

"C-could y-you…p-possibly...h-h-help me...with that?" He was certain he'd shed half his coat with how hot his cheeks were. 


	4. im sorry shizune

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> im so fuckin sorry babe

"Hayate, you're doing it again." The tabby tom leaned up against a nearby support pillar in the clubhouse, arms neatly folded to his chest. He raised a single brow as his partner inched one foot at a time towards the reception desk where a sleek, coffee colored mink sat.

The female was too preoccupied with paperwork to notice the rabbit buck approaching her in a funny gait: one foot, then a slight hop forward with the other, neck all the way extended, nose twitching rapidly. 

"Sh...shut up…!" Hayate hissed under his breath, ears pinned back. 

"If you're trying to stalk her, you're doin' it wrong, mate." GENMAS AUSTRALIAN Genma stifled a laugh. "You need to get lower to the ground. Wiggle your ass a bit." 

The buck nearly whipped around to charge the cat, but instead gave him a cold glare, incisors bared. 

"Just...let me  _ do  _ this…!" He snapped. 

"Aight, but don't blame me for laughing at it." Genma shrugged, and yawned. He watched until Hayate made it to the desk, leaning over the counter, nose still twitching. The female hadn't so much as noticed his scent, let alone his actual presence. 

"Um, hello." He managed weakly, to which the mink let out a sharp "AIEEE!" and kicked back, sending her and her chair flying in the opposite direction. 

In a split second, two things happened: The rabbit buck vaulted over the counter to see if the mink was okay, and the tom keeled over, gasping with raspy laughter. 

"M-Miss Sh-Shizune!" Hayate squawked, bounding closer to help her back up. Papers were scattered everywhere. 

Shizune, dazed, took a minute to shake out her head and blink. 

"Wh-where did you COME from?!" She panted, accepting the help, staggering back up to her feet. 

"Uh...o-over...there." Hayate pointed towards a wheezing Genma. "B-but...that's not important, I...wanted to ask...um.."

Shizune, having sorted herself and collected her papers, straightened out her kimono skirts and heaved a sigh. 

"What is it?" She hoped she didn't seem irritated. The rabbit was a well known assassin, and she wasn't quite keen on having one of  _ those  _ sneaking up on her. Though, now the buck seemed... _ shy?  _

He just stood motionless, staring at her, wiggling nose bright red. Hell, his entire face was a rosy pink! 

Shizune squinted. 

"Hayate, what's the matter?" 

Genna called from across the room, mid-snort. 

"Mink's got his tongue, I'd say!" 

Shizune stiffened, tail bristling. 

"Lay off! Get back to work, you lazy bum! You've got five clients tonight!" She shouted back. 

\--

Shizune figured it'd be best to speak to Hayate in private. She wasn't used to seeing him look so nervous. Timid, maybe. Introverted, absolutely. But not frozen up like  _ this _ . 

"You...anxious about your first client?" The mink had ushered him into his quarters, sitting across from him on the bed, legs tucked neatly underneath her. 

Hayate hunched his shoulders, ears flopped on either side of his head. He nodded, unable to meet her eyes. 

"Don't worry! Your card emphasizes you're shy. Besides, it's not the full fee." Shizune leaned over, smiling softly, trying her best to reassure him. 

"...I...I'm..terrible ar-around...f-females...my age." The buck admitted shakily, clearly embarrassed. To be reduced to this...was ridiculous. 

"Did you ask the others for advice at all?" Shizune cocked her head, ears swiveling forward. 

Hayate shook his head. 

"Genma's being unhelpful as always...he said just to do...what comes naturally. But...there...is no  _ naturally  _ around...g-girls for me." He sighed, head sinking even lower. "I asked Kabuto, and--"

Shizune squeaked in confusion, then pardoned herself for interrupting. 

"Isn't...he  _ also  _ only into males?" She remembered reading over the stag's dossier. That was mentioned in clear, red letters. 

"Yeah, b-but...well, he's...y'know... _ acutely  _ more aware of...the female...uh, p-psyche, and...b-b-body, than I am. " Hayate was struggling. Badly. 

Shizune gave him a doubtful look. 

Kabuto? An expert on the female's psyche? That was a bit hard to believe. She knew he was an amateur psychiatrist, having done just barely under the requirements for certification due to time constraints in school, but…

The mink inwardly deflated. Just because he was a skilled doctor, didn't mean his knowledge on the reproductive system was the definitive on foreplay--

Shizune felt her stomach turn at the thought of Kabuto...no, _no!_ She wouldn't imagine that. She hastily brushed away the idea. 

"He said...it was best to take things slow. To...y-y'know, be gentle and to talk them through it." Hayate began to squirm. 

The mink blinked. Well, she couldn't argue with that. Kabuto had shown a remarkable talent in making all of his patients calm and trusting. She supposed...it could be applied to this situation as well. 

"But...h-how can...I d-do any of that if...if I just…seize up at the thought of...a girl...and…" The rabbit's chest was heaving. 

"Did...anyone else give you advice?" 

He shook his head. 

"I g-got...t-too scared to...to ask anyone else." 

Shizune understood why. Hayate, though a terribly sweet and tender person with his friends and kids, was not one to ask for help. Genma was the love of his life, and Kabuto had been his personal nurse for years. He trusted the two unconditionally. 

The mink did her best to smile again, though it was quite obviously forced. 

"Well...did you...want to try it out...with me?" Shizune could almost  _ feel  _ the buck shivering with anxiety. 

Hayate's entire body froze, mouth agape. Not even his nose twitched. 

The mink watched in horror as the rabbit's eyes rolled back and he fell onto his side, completely limp. 

_ Oh, great.  _ Shizune groaned inwardly.  _ Tsunade! How did you find someone so gay, that they FAINT at the thought of seeing a woman naked!?  _

Outside the door, a cat could be heard snickering uncontrollably. 

-

Once she made sure Hayate was, in fact, still alive, she left the room to check on the other males. At least, the ones who'd admitted to never having been with a woman. 

_ Iruka, Kabuto, and Raido. _

Out of all of them, she knew Kabuto the best, then Iruka, then Raido. She wasn't, however, looking forward to ANY of this. Tsunade had  _ insisted  _ she wasn't a "practice girl," but here she was, being exactly that. She hadn't seen the extent of the debt, but she caught a glimpse of enough zeroes to make her head spin. How did Tsunade keep getting  _ into  _ these messes? And why did SHE have to be the guinea pig for all her wild, get rich quick schemes? 

Oh, well. She knew Tsunade would NEVER put her in harm's way. She was completely safe with these males. Even Genma. 

They'd had a bit of history after a rough breakup between the tom and Hayate. Now, he was just teasing her. Shizune knew he adored her, and deeply so. It was simply a game of...cat and mink, as it were. 

She stared down at the list again. 

_ Iruka... _ probably the sweetest of the bunch besides Hayate. He was warm, good-natured, and a notorious softie. Shizune had a bit of an affinity towards him, if she'd admit it. She admired his work ethic, and his passion. If he could handle  _ Naruto _ at his worst, he was worthy of  _ everyone's  _ respect, in the mink's opinion. 

But...she'd seen him with females. Most had -- he had a terrible luck streak with the entire Hyuuga clan for one. Even Anko felt bad for him -- though it was clear to anyone with eyes that he had a bad crush on the silver fox. 

That was the problem. 

Iruka had a crush on  _ everyone.  _

He was  _ desperate. _

Shizune's shoulders sagged and she hung her head. She knew  _ that  _ feeling. With Lady Tsunade around, males wouldn't even come NEAR her. She felt like an idiot having the chase after them herself. 

Then, there was Raido. 

No one knew  _ anything  _ about the tall, leery eyed Akita. Besides Aoba of course. And Genma was sure to have  _ some  _ dirt on the guy. He was tough as nails, incredibly serious and loyal to a fault, but...did he have a personality? 

Shizune shuddered at the thought of those massive hands around her waist. He could twist her into a furry pretzel if he wanted. 

Kabuto had mentioned something a while back about treating him in the hospital. He was simply a gentle giant. He'd watch the birds and crack a smile when squirrels would run past his window. He also, apparently, got flustered easily around females. At least Shizune had that advantage -- if you could call it that. 

So...who to start with? 

She wasn't terribly concerned with Kabuto -- he could bullshit his way out of quicksand if he had to. Sometimes it made her nervous how good he was with, well,  _ manipulating  _ sounded harsh, but he was damn  _ persuasive  _ when he wanted to be. 

Raido was marked down as "straight," so Shizune figured that if worst came to worst, instinct would kick in. 

So...that left…

_ Iruka.  _

Great. 

  
  



	5. plot?? what the fuck?? get out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> enter MOM
> 
> weirdly enough, canonically, nonou is like 3 years older than raido, max.   
> rubs hands together like flea
> 
> honestly tho ive fucked up everyones ages in this, tho she is a year or two older than him

Routine? Ruined. Order? Nonexistent. 

At least that was how it felt. A morning training session he hadn't skipped in five years was upended as soon as that letter was delivered by a courier that bowed far too low for Raido's liking. He responded in kind with a curt bow of his own, his breath slowly steadying from his intense taijutsu session, and waited for the messenger to disappear into the forest around them. The envelope was unmarked, save for the Godaime's seal that instantly made him stand a little straighter, if that was even possible. 

What mission would the Godaime be assigning that didn't require a personal briefing? It wasn't thick enough to be legal work that simply got delegated to him, nor was it thin enough to be a reminder of an appointment with the emissaries of disputing clans. No, something about the envelope made Raido purse his lips a little harder, his fingers stumble over the seal just so, and his breathing falter as he saw that the contents of said envelope… was simply a time and a location. 

Never one to miss a meeting, Raido turned on his heel, quickly making for the bag he had set on the grass and shrugging it over his shoulder. He needed to clean himself up, get into proper uniform…

He sighed, a hand rubbing slightly at the scars on his face. Something about this just wasn't right. 

\--

Nonou unconsciously adjusted the satchel on her hip, looking up from the worn map she held in her left hand. The tattered paper was covered in crayon drawings of animals and red marker circles over certain areas of interest. She’d had this map for nearly two decades now, and couldn’t bring herself to toss it for an updated, less... _ loved  _ one. The childish drawings her son scribbled on the old thing made her smile too much. Even if nowadays, Konoha had changed so drastically, to the point that using it was almost asinine. 

The retired miko sighed, and stared up at the huge, overarching gates that led into the Hidden Leaf. The late morning sun crested at the top, gleaming like a diamond on a ring. The village was just as precious to its inhabitants, that was for sure. 

She whuffed to herself, large ears swiveling forward to catch the hustle and bustle beyond the gates. How could her son live in such a place as this? Especially after living out in the middle of nowhere for half his life? The peryton gripped her satchel strap a little tighter. He was always good at adapting when he had to, she supposed. Not that it made her worry any less. A mother’s curse. 

Nonou’s split hooves clicked on the paved stone as she entered, instinctively heading towards the registration desk. Her sensitive nose picked up the familiar scent before she saw the pair’s faces. 

However, she was still beat to introductions. 

“Sister!” A dark gray wolfdog stood up from behind the counter, and a second bleating “Sister!” echoed a split second later as his partner, a cream colored ram did the same. 

“Kotetsu! Izumo!” Nonou felt her heart skip, beaming a sunshiny smile at the two as they ran up to her. 

The ram visibly struggled with not being able to scoop the doe into his arms, fidgeting a few feet away as the wolfdog grinned back, all teeth. 

“Look at you both!” She exclaimed, pride swelling in her chest. “You’re in charge with guarding the gates?”

They nodded in unison. Nonou always loved that about them -- despite their drastic difference in species, they were simply two sides of the same coin. 

“We’re actually proctoring this year’s chuunin exams, but that won’t start for another couple weeks.” Izumo elaborated. “But we’re usually either stationed here or subbing in for jonin leaders.”

The peryton’s feathers ruffled, head cocking slightly to the side with surprise. 

“Oh, really? Are you jounin now?”

Kotetsu’s ears airplaned a bit. 

“Ah, yeah...about that. Still workin’ on it, Sister.”

Izumo’s shoulders slumped as well. 

“Yeah, we’ve kinda got our hands full nowadays.” But the ram was smiling, almost bashfully.

Kotetsu seemed just as shy, which was unusual. 

It took only a moment for Nonou to understand what they meant. 

“You’re getting married, aren’t you?” She churred softly.

Both males bolted upright, squawking and waving their hands. 

“M-married?!” Izumo bleated, and Kotetsu shook his head violently. 

“No?” The doe’s voice lilted. “What about that Anko girl you used to write home about all the time?”

Kotetsu’s dark fur flushed a rosy red. Izumo’s cheeks warmed a bright pink. 

“Ah, well, it’s...a bit complicated.” Kotetsu’s deep voice still caught their old caretaker off guard sometimes. “Anko’s...her own woman, y’know.”

“She’s...got her own agenda when it comes to males.” Izumo huffed, nose twitching. 

Nonou’s eyes widened. 

“Ah! Uh, n-not like that.” Izumo was quick to defend their old teammate. “She’s just...not ready to settle down, I guess.”

“But she’s working hard. She’s proctoring the Forest of Death again this year.” Kotetsu added, a little hastily. “We’re hoping Lady Tsunade...”

“Gets the hint we want her to try being a jonin sensei, just once.”

Nonou let out a chittering laugh. 

“Want her around kids, do you? Well, you can’t  _ both _ marry her, you know.” The doe teased. 

Both males hung their heads. 

“That’s the problem. We don’t even argue over it anymore, and we think it’s throwing her off.” Kotetsu groaned. 

“What about you, Sister?” Izumo turned the subject around, despite it being entirely innocent. “With Kabuto gone, you’re probably struggling with all the war orphans still.”

“If anyone should think about finding a mate, it ought to be you.” Kotetsu chimed in. “Besides, we’ve got each other, anyway.”

Nonou’s nose lit up scarlet. She turned her head to the side to hide it behind a delicate hand. 

“Kabuto comes to visit when I need the help.” She lied shakily. She actually hadn’t seen him since right after the war had ended. He stayed for a year to help manage the orphanage, but now that he had taken her place as the chief medical officer, it seemed he had barely any time to do anything but call. And even then, that was rare. Her ears fell at the thought. 

Izumo frowned. 

“He hasn’t left Konoha in a long while. Are you sure?”

Nonou whuffed with frustration. 

“I can handle things myself, Izumo. I managed through the third war, and I can manage after this fourth.” 

A concerned look crossed Kotetsu’s face. 

“You know we can always take leave if you need any help.” Instinctively, he leaned in to sniff at her, but she took a step back. 

“I promise, I’m just fine.” Nonou brushed her honey blonde hair back, a weak smile gracing her muzzle. “But Konoha’s gotten so much bigger since I was last here. Can you tell me where the hospital is? I’ve a meeting with Lady Tsunade about funding for the--”

Her ears only had a fraction of a second to flick back before the explosion hit. 

The once sunny, peaceful late-spring day was now covered in smoke and chaos. The shockwave blew past the three, but Nonou had already grabbed the chuunin in her arms and bolted before the shrapnel sliced through the air above them. 

Gasping for air, Izumo and Kotetsu shook out their heads as soon as they felt their feet touch solid ground, guts wincing from the force of the peryton’s speed. 

As their eyes adjusted to the dust, they realized they were on top of the Great Gate. Izumo stepped back, reaching out to feel for Kotetsu, ears swiveling frantically to try and locate the source of the explosion. Nonou was standing before them, massive wings outspread to protect the pair. 

“Izumo, report to the Hokage immediately.” Her voice was low. Cold. “Kotetsu, evacuate as many villagers as you can to the cliffs.”

The ram and wolfdog didn’t spare a moment’s hesitation before vanishing into thin air, splitting up to do as they were told. While they had never heard it from the doe herself, Kabuto had explained to them she had once been in the bingo books during the war. She was a seasoned veteran, and wasted no time taking action in difficult situations. 

The peryton surveyed the scene, radar dish like ears sifting through the cacophony of birds cawing above and distant, muffled screams of confusion from below. 

In a flash, her cream wings unfurled like a sail, and she took off, weaving through the heavy black smoke that rolled upwards from the source of the explosion. She didn’t have the best eyesight, but her hearing rivaled those of barn owls -- hence why she was the most valued spy in all of Root for nearly a decade. She could pinpoint a mouse’s heartbeat in a forest fire. 

She circled briefly, ears honed for anything suspicious -- surprisingly enough, the explosion seemed contained -- only a thirty meter radius had been affected by it. The debris and dust made her lungs burn, but she spiraled downward as soon as she saw it -- a dark form wavering in the wake of the flames. 

Her heart froze, wings snapping outwards to break her dive. 

Two unholy golden lights pierced through the smokescreen like beacons. 

For the first time in a decade, her prey instincts overwhelmed her. 

_ Run. Run as fast as you can, and never look back. _

The doe fought it with every fiber of her being, forcing the fear down into the pit of her stomach. 

Her _son_ was in this village. She _couldn’t_ , not even for a _second_ , risk instinct clouding her judgement. 

Her kunai had been drawn the moment she heard the explosion, but now they were bared as she folded her wings tightly to her body, resuming the dive.  __ There was something...undeniably, unspeakably familiar about those eyes. 

However, just as she thought she was close enough to strike, the golden eyes flashed red. 

A whirlpool of red, spiraling endlessly and enveloping everything around her in their unyielding gaze. 

_ Spinning, spinning, spinning. _

Nonou could no longer trust her senses, not as an ex-spy, not as an animal. 

She had been here before, ages and ages ago. Twenty-five years ago, exactly. 

Her insides churned with a dizzying nausea, and her head ached with an excruciating pain. In her delirium, she tossed her head, the spiraling, golden horns inherited from her blackbuck father rending the air. She had to get out. To get out. To get out. To get  _ out. _

She had been caught in the hunter’s trap. 

_ And then, there was nothing.  _

The red had consumed her, mind and body. 

She could feel nothing. See nothing. 

And yet, she could still  _ hear.  _ Amazingly, her blessed ears had not failed her. 

_ “Get out of the way!” _

And the wind was knocked from her scalding lungs, and her eyes flew open, bleary from the smoke. Someone was holding her tightly, but her vision was too blurred to make out more than what looked to be a canid’s face above her. The doe’s wings were crushed in the grip, but she made no move to escape - she had seen the glint of the male’s headband. He was a Konoha nin. 

_ “Sharingan...” _ She wheezed, unable to catch her breath. She reached up to curl her fingers around the male’s fur collar. “He...had the...”

“Don’t speak. I’m taking you to the hospital.” His voice was gruff, but not unkind. It reverberated in her sensitive ears. 

_ “Kabuto...” _ Nonou moaned, the after effects of the genjutsu resurfacing with a vengeance. Her son, her  _ baby _ ...was he safe?

She sensed a slight change in the canid’s breathing, but it soon passed. 

The dazed doe was carried swiftly to the hospital, where she was met with a dark furred mink, and…

Kabuto! 

She opened her mouth, braying, but nothing came out but a weak hiss.

Her savior was gone as soon as he’d appeared, leaving her in the care of the mink. 

“Lady Yakushi!”

\--

The doe recovered quickly, and by sunset, the village had amazingly enough returned to its calm state. The explosion had actually been caused by a fallen telephone wire that ignited a nearby natural gas tank. Lady Tsunade herself had dismissed the threat of an attack with a thorough investigation of the site, and even Nonou chalked up the strange vision to a combination of oxygen deprivation and heat mirage. 

Now she was on her way back from the hospital, old map still in hand. 

Nonou had not seen Kabuto during her brief visit, and it worried her slightly. She wanted to surprise him, but it seemed that would have to wait until tomorrow. She needed to get back to her task at hand: to pick up a few groceries for her stay, and find the inn she had made reservations with. 

The doe’s wings were still a bit sore, but she simply flexed them a bit, ruffling out her feathers as she walked down the paved stone of the marketplace. 

She caught another familiar scent, one that reminded her of the riverbanks. An otter?

Her large ears perked as she heard the gentle voice. 

A masked face, and bushy tail -- Iruka! 

He seemed to be chatting up Teuchi’s daughter at the herb stand. Poor thing, she seemed to feel sorry for him. It looked like everyone but the tanuki could see the she-cat was in a rush to get back to the restaurant with her ingredients. 

“Iruka, dear!” Nonou called out, distracting the male long enough for Ayame to wave a hasty goodbye before scampering off. 

“Hm?” The tanuki turned his head, tail wagging slightly. It began to whap back and forth with fervor as soon as he recognized who it was. “Miss Yakushi!”

The doe had come to visit every so often when Iruka was young, though as time passed, the visits grew less and less frequent. All of the kids he grew up with adored Kabuto’s mother. Her cooking was sublime, and she told the best fairytale stories -- Iruka’s absolute favorite. Not to mention, she always seemed to spoil him just a little bit more than the others -- perhaps it was because he was an orphan. And her son was just as caring as she was, at least, that’s what Iruka remembered from his childhood. It was always Hayate and Kabuto who were doting on him, constantly making sure he was eating well and studying hard. And then there was Genma, who’d practically taken him in after --

“Iruka, dear, what’s the matter?” Nonou smiled sweetly, recognizing the reminiscent look in the tanuki’s eyes. 

“Oh, I...sorry!” He squeaked, bowing his head slightly in apology. When he raised it, he was beaming as brightly as the paper lanterns that dotted the stalls like fireflies. “It’s just been such a long time, I almost didn’t believe it was really you!”

The doe churred softly. “Of course it’s me. If anyone has changed, it’s you, dear.” She closed her eyes, reflecting the beaming tanuki. “You’ve grown so much; really filled in all that extra fur you had as a pup. And I’ve heard so much about you from Izumo and Kotetsu.”

Iruka’s eyes widened. 

“Really?”

“Of course.” Nonou whuffed, “Now, if it’s not too much trouble, could you help me out a little? I’m trying to find my way to the inn, but I’m a bit lost now that Konoha’s doubled in size.” 

The tanuki nodded fervently. 

“Absolutely!” He turned towards the setting sun, pointing. “You’ll actually head down that road until you pass Ichiraku, then take a right. The inn should be right there.”

The doe smiled brightly. “Thank you so much, Iruka. You’re such a helpful young man. I’m astonished you don’t have someone to go home to at this hour.”

Iruka felt his cheeks warm, and his ears flattened to the sides. 

“Ah, well, I try.” He glanced to the side, before stiffening, noticing a cool silver pelt in the throng. He quickly turned to Nonou. “E-excuse me, Miss Yakushi, but I’ve actually got to be going, I’ve got a meeting to attend.”

_ This late?  _ Nonou pondered briefly, but shook the thought away.

“Don’t let me keep you. Stay safe, dear.” The doe nodded once. 

She watched as the tanuki practically scampered off, deep blue eyes following to see him prance up to a tall gray wolf with a scarred eye. Kakashi! How wonderful, the pair were still good friends it seemed. That was heartwarming. 

Once Nonou had gathered up her groceries for the evening, she set off in the direction Iruka had told her, a brown paper bag in each arm. 

She passed by Ichiraku, her nose wiggling at the enticing scent. Her stomach nearly growled at the thought of taking a break and chatting with Teuchi, an old friend of hers. He’d actually been one of her instructors back in the day. 

But, Nonou needed to turn in for the night. The crickets were already chirping, and the early cicadas had begun to wind down their shrilling. Even the bullfrogs could be heard from the distant riverbanks. 

The doe rounded the corner, ears swiveling at the sound of someone running, but before she could see the gleaming lights of the inn, something heavy and furry rammed into her, knocking her back onto her tail. 

She let out a startled bleat, rear smarting from the impact. One of her bags had spilled on the dirt road, vegetables rolling, while she managed to keep the other firmly tucked in her arm. 

Shaking her head out, she looked up to see who had run into her. 

A russet akita stared back, frozen to the spot, arms out as if he had been nothing more than a statue. The left side of his face was marred by a rippling set of scars, but his dark eyes were kind. 

“Ah! I...I’m so sorry…!” His deep voice caught the doe by surprise, and she stiffened as he sprung back to life, rushing over and kneeling, warm paws gripping her arms, one sliding down to hold her hand to help her up. “I should have been more careful. Are you alright?”

Nonou blinked, stunned. His blunt claws dug slightly into her spotted pelt. Her glossy eyes stared at the black jowls and thick fangs that curled upward. Prey instinct. She managed to snap out of it, and shifted her wings, flapping them close to her body once. 

This took the akita entirely by surprise, and he backed up a couple steps. It was obvious he’d never seen a peryton before. Not that that was shocking -- the doe was incredibly rare -- a harmonious mixing between species. 

“I’m alright, thank you.” She spoke softly, with a shiver in her throat. She hastily fluffed her feathers for warmth. “Are you sure  _ you’re  _ not hurt?”

The akita made a few more guttural noises before managing with a weak grin, “I’m sure. My head’s hard enough to be used as a cannonball, honestly.”

Nonou’s head cocked to the side, ears swiveling forward. 

The akita shrunk back slightly, clearly embarrassed. It only lasted a moment as he padded over to the lost groceries, scooping them into his arms. 

“Here, let me help...”

The doe’s fingers brushed the Akita’s as they both reached for an apple. Her hand leapt back, and fist curled. She looked up, honey forelocks falling into her eyes. She swallowed hard. 

He offered the fruit, and she tentatively took it. 

“Where are you headed, if you don’t mind me asking?” The male boofed politely. “Would you like me to walk you there?”

Nonou’s nose flushed redder than the apple she held. Her ears fluttered back, and she glanced away. This akita was  _ much _ larger than she was, at least by a head. She could feel her heart pounding, and she was certain the male could  _ hear  _ it. What was this? The doe hadn’t felt like this since she was a little fawn. Was it fear? Attraction?  _ Both?  _

He was wearing a jounin’s uniform. Most likely he was on patrol. 

Very seldom was the doe at a loss for words, usually able to keep her composure in any situation. She whuffed to herself, and shook her head. 

“You wouldn’t have far to walk, sir.” Nonou let out a tiny, churring laugh. “I’m headed to the inn right over there.” She bowed politely, “Thank you, though. That’s very thoughtful of you.”

The akita’s shoulders slumped just a hair. He seemed a bit flustered himself. 

Suddenly, he straightened up, squaring them back out again. 

“Namiashi Raido.” He stated, clearly a bit louder than he meant to, “I apologize for not introducing myself earlier.”

Nonou shook her head with a smile.

“Don’t apologize. I’m no worse for wear. Thank you for your help, Mr. Namiashi, but I ought to be on my way.”

“Oh, uh, Y-yes, of course!” He nodded curtly, but didn’t move. 

The doe blinked, ears flapping once. 

“Weren’t you in a rush yourself?” She asked, to which the akita’s tail shot straight up in alarm. 

“Ah, well, I...” He began, before staring down at his empty paws. His jaws parted in stark realization. He’d lost the Godaime’s summons. Without that, he wouldn’t be able to enter the meeting. And he was already running late! Damn it!

“Did you forget something?” Nonou’s tail fluttered once. 

“It’s...nothing important.” The male lied through his teeth, “Just…a piece of paper.”

“Mm?” It was then Raido recognized the female’s scent. She was the one he had rescued in the explosion. He snorted and shook out his collar. It was a  _ strong  _ scent. Almost like a foreigner’s scent. “Well, why don’t I help you?” The doe offered sweetly. “Just let me get settled in at the inn, and I’ll be happy to help. I was a pretty decent tracker back in my day.” 


	6. the sleepover ft disappointed voice: kabuto why are you like this

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i just. i cant help loving him and his nasty stupid ways
> 
> shizune run

The club lobby was transformed into a makeshift pillowfort in under two hours. 

The couches were pulled closer, comforters piled up, and plush pillows plumped to enclose soft "nests." 

It was Iruka's idea to have a "break the ice" night, especially before things had to get serious. As insane as Tsunade's scheme seemed, it had results from other nations to back it up. Which meant the men had to go above and beyond in what they did. 

"And we shouldn't go into this as individuals." The tanuki had told Shizune on the first night everyone was settled in. "We're all shinobi of Konoha. We're a family. We need to be confident in one another. Trust one another." 

Shizune had agreed whole heartedly. So, every host was asked to write a "theme" down on a piece of paper, which was put into Genma's cap. 

Izumo and Kotetsu cheated the system and both put "sleepover" on their papers. 

And now the pair was pleasantly smug huddling underneath a few armchairs that had sheets slung over them, creating a cozy little cave. Kotetsu looked like a gray dandelion all bunched up, eyes squeezed shut with contentment. Izumo was flopped beside him, pink nose twitching just barely outside of the safety of the "cave." 

Hayate was bundled up in warm pj's in a "nest" he'd lovingly furnished with at least twelve pillows, all surrounding a deep bed of comforters and those stupid-soft microfiber blankets. Only his nose and ears poked up from under a blanket. Genma was curled around the bunny-lump, head propped up on one hand, the other lazily playing with the relaxed ears. 

Shisui and Obito had decided to be at arms against Kakashi and a very confused Iruka. The jaguar, always in a one sided competition with his best friend, had convinced his older cousin to build a fortress on top of some couches. The felines perched like vultures, swaddled in thick blankets for cloaks. 

The wolf and tanuki had constructed their own bunker, complete with couch cushions and pillow gates. Iruka felt incredibly silly, but equally excited at the same time. Kakashi had winked at him earlier, showing him a mound of rolled socks to use as "ammo." 

  
  


That left Kabuto and Raido. 

Raido had shrugged, at a loss. Kabuto had sighed, and shook his head. He'd have loved to go into the "cave"' with Izumo and Kotetsu, but he was more intent on letting them have their fun without butting in. 

The stag decided to gather himself up on a deep sofa with a cup of hot oolong in his paws. He yawned, flapping his ears. A silent, but knowing look between him and the Akita lounging on the armchair across the room said enough. They'd play moderator for any wars that broke out. 

Kabuto perked up, straightening a bit as Shizune came in, dressed in comfy pink flannel. 

"You guys…" The mink let out a high pitched giggle at the sight of all the men in their hideouts. She cocked her head to the side, frowning a bit at the oldest of the hosts. "Aren't you two going to find a "home" too?" 

The stag, realizing he had the advantage in this situation by having claimed a couch instead of an armchair, scooted toward one side. 

"We figured we'd level the playing field lest any "battles" break out." He eyed a scowling Obito. His dark gaze softened as it quickly returned to Shizune and he patted the spot beside him with a hoof. "You can join me if you'd like." The stag smiled warmly, closing his eyes. 

Shizune blinked, fur bristling slightly. Since when was Kabuto... _ amicable?  _ She brushed it away, chalking it up to the casual scenario. 

"I don't want to steal your blankets." She churred, making her way over to the couch. 

"You'll be relieved to know I have a fur coat, dear." Kabuto chuffed once, offering the soft cover to the mink. He froze as soon as he felt the affectionate term leave his lips, and cleared his throat, glancing away. His ears pulled back tightly, but Shizune sat down beside him like she hadn't heard it. 

Kotetsu, figuring he could weasel a favor out of his old friend later, caught the awkward silence before it got too far. 

"So, Miss Shizune," He stuck his muzzle out, licking his nose once. "What's on the agenda for the night?" 

"Yeah…!" Izumo let out a muffled bleat from under the wolfdog's arm. 

The mink smiled brightly. 

"Well, I figured I'd ask what you all did as kids at sleepovers." She purred. Especially with the pair around, and Genma, she felt right at home. It was clear all these men were good natured through and through. 

"Like telling ghost stories?" Kakashi wooed from the bunker "chimney" before ducking down as a clothespin was flung at his face from a spooked looking Obito. 

"NO GHOST STORIES!" He squawked, readying another pin as Shisui held back snickers. 

Shizune snorted, covering her muzzle with a paw. 

"Okay, no ghost stories, but I think it's a good start." 

Hayate stretched and squeaked, inhaling deeply before going into a slight coughing fit. Kabuto turned to look at him calmly, while Genma rubbed his back. He smiled sweetly, raccoon-eyes unusually bright. 

"We'd always make caramel popcorn and homemade pizza." He peeped, nuzzling deep into the crook of Genma's neck, causing the cat's nose to flush bright red, whiskers rigid. He rubbed at his nose coyly and glanced away. 

"Cooking sounds like fun." Shizune nodded, to which Obito and Iruka groaned loudly. 

"Not again. What's the matter this time?" 

Kotetsu woofed a laugh. 

"Only the "mom friends" can cook. Like Kakashi and Kabuto and Hayate." 

Shizune deflated. 

The stag beside her frowned. 

"I've got an idea, if you've got an ear to spare." 

The mink tilted her head, curious. 

"Perhaps we should divide into groups. We all say something we enjoyed doing during sleepovers as children, then those with matching interests team up to do it together." Kabuto stated matter-of-factly. 

Shizune perked up right away. 

"Now I know why you're so popular with the kids. You sound just like Iruka!" 

Kabuto's ears fell flat, eyes wide. To be compared to someone  _ younger  _ than him...how  _ embarrassing _ . He knew he had a smidgeon of an inferiority complex, but…

He made a disgruntled noise and forced a smile. 

Iruka hid a blush from within the pillow bunker. 

"I think we should go with Kabuto's idea. That way everyone gets what they want." Shizune announced, beaming. 

The stag quickly forgot his wounded ego with the sight of the mink happy again. Emotions were fickle, anyway. Love wasn't. 

The men began naming their favorite things to do when they were little during sleepovers. 

Genma and Iruka loved telling stories, and Hayate, Kabuto, and Kakashi agreed that making snacks was their forte. 

Obito and Kotetsu declared pillowfights being their go-to in home sport. 

Izumo and Shisui bashfully admitted that  _ snuggling _ was where their talents lay. 

Once again, Raido looked lost. 

Genma stood up, cracking his knuckles and shoulders. 

"Raido, you like to cook, don't you? You oughta be on Kakashi's team and fight Kabuto and Hayate." 

The akita whuffed, giving his oldest friend a  _ look _ . 

"You're just going to put me on clean-up duty, and you know it."

Kabuto shifted, sitting up straighter, single brow raised.

"I'm afraid  _ I'm  _ the designated babysitter, Raido. I can't remember the last time Izumo and Kotetsu picked up after themselves." He scoffed, albeit with amusement. "I've been playing maid ever since they showed up." 

Kotetsu boofed proudly. "He's not wrong." 

Shizune's face fell. 

She didn't want anyone left out, especially not like this. 

"How about you and I make a movie playlist for tonight?" The mink did her best to sound cheerful. "I need to get to know you all just as well. We should have as much fun as possible." 

Raido blinked, nose twitching. 

Kabuto didn't miss the slight gesture. Something petty rose up in him, and it took a bit of effort to push it back down. 

In all honesty, he knew  _ exactly  _ what was happening. 

Shizune was the  _ one, eligible  _ female in the entire room. A room full of ten men. Granted, some of those men could care less about the female physique, but the vast majority were more open to the idea. 

Kabuto was  _ certain  _ their roles in this host club, and the fact she was alone in her gender was  _ not  _ lost on the mink. But, for the life of him, he couldn't figure out if he was being protective because he was selfish, or he was concerned that she'd be taken advantage of. Not in the uncouth way, but simply overwhelmed by the very real chance the other males would begin to court her.

The absolute  _ worst  _ scenario, was what Kabuto feared the most: he was going into rut. 

Generally, for most cervids, this would happen in mid to late autumn, but Kabuto, with his ever-velvet antlers found it was random every year, getting especially bad during the summer. 

Granted, he was a civilized animal. He'd never let hormones overwhelm him to the point of extreme aggression, but surrounded by equally hormonal males...he would have to keep a clear head. Which meant keeping his distance. 

The stag dreaded the idea of poor Shizune going into heat at any point during the host club's operation.  _ That  _ would be a disaster. It wasn't likely, but he knew she'd be miserable. 

The brief notion of a mutual companionship to relieve said urges flickered in his mind, and was almost  _ immediately  _ snuffed out. This was virtually  _ day one.  _ He'd resolved to do what he'd always done: lead by example. He was sure that Shizune would grow to like him for who he was, not out of necessity to--

Kabuto shook his antlers out, ears flapping. 

_ Quit it--! You'll only make it worse-- _

"Kabuto?" Shizune's voice brought him back to his senses. "Did you hear what I said?" 

The stag's nose lit up scarlet with embarrassment. 

"I...just one more time, please." 

The mink made a concerned noise, but repeated herself. 

"You and Kakashi will come up with some snacks for everyone." 

Kabuto frowned slightly. 

"What about Hayate?" 

"I've been promoted to professional snuggler." Hayate piped up, yawning cutely. "I'm not feeling well, but I'll help you both if you need it." 

_ Not feeling well?  _ Kabuto searched the ringed eyes of the buck. What was it exactly? He knew he had extra medication, the nebulizer in his thigh pouch just in case…

But Hayate seemed calm. His brown eyes were plaintive and doleful. He was definitely trying to tell his old nurse something. 

But what? 


	7. "kabutos mom's a milf" my names genma and welcome to my TED talk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> shizune: TSUNADE PLEASE GET ME OUT OF HERE MAKE ANKO RUN THIS SHITSHOW NOT ME
> 
> tsunade: okay but im having fun torturing yamato with paperwork so no

"Let's tell a story from when we were kids. Like, how we met each other." Iruka stretched out his legs, wiggling his toes with a squeak. He had settled into Hayate's "nest" reclining against a couch cushion. 

"Hayate's parents and my parents were friends?" Genma cracked a lazy grin from where he sat on Kabuto's now purloined sofa, Hayate snuggled perfectly into his lap. "That's kinda boring." 

Iruka pouted royally. 

"Then maybe how you got together?" 

Genma shrugged again. 

"We felt each other up at our chuunin graduation party?" 

Not expecting such a forward answer, the tanuki's face glowed red-hot. 

Hayate glared daggers up at Genma. 

"It was more  _ romantic _ than  _ that,  _ jackass." He seemed actually hurt by the bluntness. 

"I know." The tom's voice grew soft, and he stroked his lover's ears. "I'm just saying that not everyone's story is going to be a fairytale. Some of us just...fell in love the old-fashioned way." He gave Hayate's forehead a tender lick with his sandpaper tongue. The buck relented with a tiny purr. 

Iruka blinked, feeling his own chest grow tight. He always imagined his childhood friendship, and later crush on Kakashi was fairytale like. He supposed everyone's story was special in one way or another. 

Izumo snuffled into Kotetsu's collar. 

"Idiot here tried to pee on me the first time we met." 

"No, I tried to  _ eat  _ you." Kotetsu nipped his ear playfully, tugging lightly on it. " _ You  _ screamed and peed yourself." 

Kabuto called from the kitchen. 

"And I had to clean up afterwards."

Izumo bristled. 

"No you didn't!" He bleated indignantly, "You were like six or seven!" 

Kabuto poked his head out from around the corner.

"And  _ you  _ didn't stop wetting the bed until I was almost twelve." A smug smile curled his lips. 

In an instant, Izumo was up and charging, curled horns beared. 

Kabuto simply lowered his head and caught the attack with his antlers, swinging the ram off to the side and grabbing one of his horns as he went to charge again. 

"J-just cuz you took care of us when we were kids doesn't mean you gotta  _ embarrass _ us!" Izumo violently shook his head, but Kabuto's hand remained firm. 

"I'm your elder. I'm  _ supposed  _ to embarrass you." The stag laughed. "Besides," He quirked a brow, "You've plenty of dirt on  _ me _ , I'm sure." 

Izumo turned bright pink, and backed up as the grip on his horn loosened. 

"Wh-what's  _ that  _ supposed to mean?!"  _ Surely, he couldn't be talking about... _

"Like the one time you caught me trying on my mother's robes." Kabuto blew, a calm smile on his face. "Or when I started bragging about getting my spikes in for the first time." 

Izumo stiffened. 

"That's not nearly as embarrassing as--"

Kotetsu snorted loudly.

"Dude, you're just sensitive. If we're talkin dirt on Antlers, once I saw him jacking off to--"

Kabuto let out an alarm bark, every fur on his body bristled. 

"Keep it  _ civil _ , brat!" He snapped, ears pinned back. 

Izumo rubbed furiously at the blush on his face. 

"Dude, everyone's jacked off to weird shit." Genma's lax tone eased the tension. "Nuns are hot, I can see it." 

The stag removed his glasses with a click, and massaged his temples for a solid minute. 

"You're making this infinitely worse, Shiranui."

"Please don't say Kabuto's mom's hot, babe." Hayate looked up at Genma with disgust plastered across his face. "She was practically  _ our  _ mom, too." 

Genma straightened out his whiskers with his thumb and fore. 

"Nah. But I can see where people would think that. Some dudes are into the motherly-type." 

Kabuto looked ready to collapse with horror. 

Izumo whipped around to his defense, as usual. 

"Genma! That's gross! Sister isn't like that, okay? You can't say nasty things about her." 

The tom straightened up, waving his hands in dismissal. 

"Oh, fuck, no! I'm not saying I'd bang Kabuto's mom. She's just nice and pretty and...y'know more mature. That's some dudes' type." 

Shizune watched with wide eyes from where she sat on the floor beside Raido and their VHS piles. 

"Shiranui, you are  _ this  _ close from being disowned." Kabuto squinted, pinching his fingers together. "Stop before I tie you by your tail to the nearest dumpster fire." 

"Okay, okay. This is a MILF-free night." Genma snickered, dodging a spatula aimed at his head. 

" _ Genma!!"  _ Hayate slammed the thick of his palm into the cat's nose, making him flinch. 

Kabuto, with a roll of his eyes, ruffled Izumo's hair and returned to the kitchen. 


End file.
